If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
