I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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