I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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