i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
