when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
