I think I won the penis lottery.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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