A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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