Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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