I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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