Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
