Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
