This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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