i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
