I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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