My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
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This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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