Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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