He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My vagina is very pro this idea
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
