You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
