I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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