I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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