I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
