I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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