You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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