oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
