I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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