Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
3 2 1 whiskey
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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