Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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