Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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