my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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