This is not my ceiling
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
