so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
