im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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