I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
