$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Can you repeat that, but with context?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
