Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize