drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
