Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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