between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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