thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
How does it feel to date your dad?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
