how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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