i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
