we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
