I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
