I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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