no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
