I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
