was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Randomize
