Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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