Yo dont text me then not text me
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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