you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
