at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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