Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
