Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
