Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
