allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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