and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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