I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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